There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?