My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.