My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?