Good dog. ❤️
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?