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Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.