A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.