what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I need a headline like this
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”