ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Spring of Deception
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.