You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Why am I like this?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes