“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?