In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one