adding to the discourse
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
That eye roll….
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.