Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
iPhone X
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?