[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
No Google it does not
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!