Every photo I’m tagged in
You Might Also Like
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
describing stardew valley
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.