I think something went wrong here?!🤔
You Might Also Like
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Sir, I see that you spelled “rĂ©sumĂ©” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.