MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.