My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing