Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Guy who likes music
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.