When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.