[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record