alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
181.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats