worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
You Might Also Like
🤣
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’