Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No