[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic