gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.