One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
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They’re the worst 😩
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
This is amazing.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.