Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf