person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
same energy
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.