Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Incredible customer service.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
s
oc
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a
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
This has made my week.