Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Phones down.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.