CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
mom gave me mine for free
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
How to make infinite energy.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground