the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel