I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
why am I working on Labor Day
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.