Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
reminder
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
the answer was staring at me all along
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!