Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.