You don’t see a lot of brown cars anymore. When I was a kid it was just doodoo brown Oldsmobiles all over
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My daily affirmation
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.