Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
The news in a nutshell.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target