judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”