My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
When can I start eating bats again.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.