hey babe sorry i have so many curios and relics scattered around my room
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.