“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?