When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Noted.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer