genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car