My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.