The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
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If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
somebody come look at this
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???