Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
You Might Also Like
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.