A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Stop sending me this shit.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
We’ve all been there…