*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
You Might Also Like
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.