How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.